Drunk a little too much because I wanted to feel numb. I realize that a person such as myself cannot achieve such a feeling without becoming an addict of some sort and I'd rather not go there. It's always been hard for me to express my innermost feelings and/or thoughts with anyone. It seems as if when I attempt to, distance is placed and I didn't have time to pack. I didn't have time to prepare for the journey ahead and so instead I wonder if it's my route to travel. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason despite not being able to see such reason ever so presently. It's slightly unorthodox to even fathom that my life is already planned...that even the writing of this very blog has been written in my path. I question Him not, because despite my ignorance to what's to come I know that He'd never steer me wrong. I have faith in that. I have to have faith in that. Not because it may be Scripture in someones Bible but because I feel it to be so. I've never been a religious person but I'm spiritual, I have faith, I pray, I know that when I sit anywhere baffled by my thoughts that I'm never alone. I find comfort in this. I find comfort in knowing that I'm loved but sadness in the possibility that I may be more selfish than I realize. I look to not ever hurt anyone I love but I feel like it's possible that I've slacked and though I may ask Him for forgiveness forgiving myself seems to be more of a challenge. I feel inadequate in some parts of my life and this has to change. I write to clear my thoughts and occasionally they're cleared but when they reappear this has to mean I was too shallow in my attempts, no? That I didn't reach deep enough, that the surface was barely scratched and when I look at my nails I realize I've bit off more than I should have therefore the depth must be translucent and my thoughts are murky. Feeling as if my very thoughts can hurt me. As if I'm too calm for my seas, and I'm not up shit creek but I'm equipped with a paddle. No more words...

It's almost 2am, I've drunken some NueroSleep to attempt to knock myself out but semi unsurprising to thee I'm still awake. My leaving for Key West soon is certainly the blame for the added excitement, energy I should say. Usually a few sips knocks me out quickly. Of course as I begin to blog, the sips are definitely starting to take effect for my eyelids are slowly but surely becoming heavy. My head is becoming a bolling ball and it's big enough to add weight on it's on. I intended to blog blog but sleep is growing near, good night/morning.

Us,
You and I,
Our love,
Our strength,
Our weaknesses combined,
Our stubborn ways,
Our independence creating a sense of dependence,
Dependent to love and be loved,
Expectations set higher than achievable,
Levels sporadically out of our grasp,
Miscommunications,
Failed attempts of laughs,
Reversed demonstrations of the love we once had,
Have,
Infallible infatuation,
Complexity throughout simple situations,
Our love was expected to withstand time and it stands,
Our feet facing opposite directions,
Our backs touch,
Our breathes becoming deeper,
Quiet becoming loud,
End showing a way but are we there?
Us,
You and I,
"It was" creeping up our spines,
I remember when it was you and I,
I am here,
Where are you?
I feel the warmth of your soul connected to mine,
As you stand behind,
Me,
My heart creating beautiful melodies as it's beats around yours,
I can almost feel the sweat dripping from your pours,
I can feel the hesitation and I pray it isn't ignored,
Don't take that step,
Don't become the distance that separates our love,
Our love,
Our bodies,
Our fingers,
Our chest,
Our lips,
Our tongues,
Do not,
Do not become a memory of love,
Do not become an example of what was,
Do stay,
Do cry,
Do fight for our love,
Don't fight the feeling you're having to turn around,
I'm turning and I want to see your beautiful face now!,
I want to look you in the eyes,
I want to feel your emotions with a gaze,
I want to let the moment linger,
I want our love to be clear,
Yet the only clarity shown to me is the back of your thoughts,
The back of your mind and I'm trying to remember when I became just a moment in time,
When I wasn't a priority in your life,
I begin to wonder "was I ever?"
I know I was,
I felt I was,
I felt your vulnerabilities in my hand,
I've wiped your tears and told you that I'd always be there and I have,
But where were you when I all I needed was to hear your voice?
Broken promises,
Broken dreams,
I sleep uneasy,
I sleep knowing when I wake up you'll never be there again,
My body wakes in ache,
My mind full of what could have been,
My breaths slowed in disbelief of this reality,
Realistically I want to put a ring on your finger,
Had it picked out since December,
Had full fledged conversations in my head of how that moment would be remembered,
Us?
You and me?
Our love?
....taken once granted.

"If it's meant to be, it'll be" ...while I agree with that quote I feel as if it's not that simple. If you live by that, that's fine but unless you're working to maintain "it," whatever "it" is shall have an expiration date. Or maybe you're only meant to have "it" for a season vs a lifetime. Ultimately anything you want rarely will just be handed to you and if you're lucky enough to have it fall in your hands, don't let go. Grasp "it," cherish "it," let "it" know you're blessed to hold such an amazing thing. "It" is like a seed, it needs adequate soil, enough fertilization, water, sunlight, and love to grow. Why people think because something's theirs that'll always be the case sits beside me.

I haven't really...

felt myself lately. My thoughts have been too vast, too familiar yet distance and I'm not sure what brought everything out but I feel as if I'm not reaching my fullest potential. I understand I don't have to, today, but I feel like I definitely could be doing more with my life and to set up everything I want out of life. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do, it's that I want to do 'too much.' And bc of that it's as if I don't know where to start. I almost feel ADD when it comes to certain paths. I'll be fully interested in one thing then next think you know I'm pulled in another direction and yet another. It's like I'm at a crossroad of sorts and I don't quite know which route to take but being still is not in my character. Yet, I do not want to be impulsive. Smh, either way, I have to move forward.

It's my birthday bitch...

No, seriously, it is. That's beside the point for this blog however. Today has had my thoughts a million places and I've been semi moody like a mofo today for reasons partially unbeknownst to me. I know on one hand that I've been irritated bc I almost feel absent in some people lives whom I'd like to remain present in, or should I say whom I thought I'd remain present in for great lengths of time and it's definitely not looking as if any of that has truth. Eh, I suppose certain things are only for a season but when years have passed, wouldn't one naturally assume that something isn't temporary.? I'm tipsy so of course in my mind I'm making perfect sense...whether it's coming across as so however is a completely different story and that is fine with me. It's crazy that I have this blog and can completely share my poetry[which frequently displays my mood at the time that I wrote it] but I cannot post my actual thoughts in their entirety. The last part of that sentence alone I think was too much of an overshare. Eh. Tipsyness. Peace.