Drunk a little too much because I wanted to feel numb. I realize that a person such as myself cannot achieve such a feeling without becoming an addict of some sort and I'd rather not go there. It's always been hard for me to express my innermost feelings and/or thoughts with anyone. It seems as if when I attempt to, distance is placed and I didn't have time to pack. I didn't have time to prepare for the journey ahead and so instead I wonder if it's my route to travel. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason despite not being able to see such reason ever so presently. It's slightly unorthodox to even fathom that my life is already planned...that even the writing of this very blog has been written in my path. I question Him not, because despite my ignorance to what's to come I know that He'd never steer me wrong. I have faith in that. I have to have faith in that. Not because it may be Scripture in someones Bible but because I feel it to be so. I've never been a religious person but I'm spiritual, I have faith, I pray, I know that when I sit anywhere baffled by my thoughts that I'm never alone. I find comfort in this. I find comfort in knowing that I'm loved but sadness in the possibility that I may be more selfish than I realize. I look to not ever hurt anyone I love but I feel like it's possible that I've slacked and though I may ask Him for forgiveness forgiving myself seems to be more of a challenge. I feel inadequate in some parts of my life and this has to change. I write to clear my thoughts and occasionally they're cleared but when they reappear this has to mean I was too shallow in my attempts, no? That I didn't reach deep enough, that the surface was barely scratched and when I look at my nails I realize I've bit off more than I should have therefore the depth must be translucent and my thoughts are murky. Feeling as if my very thoughts can hurt me. As if I'm too calm for my seas, and I'm not up shit creek but I'm equipped with a paddle. No more words...