They say eyes are the windows to our souls but without trees we can't breathe so we need them to console, to nature, they nurture our very being, they're all seeing, all beating, replenishing vibrations to our every need, but too many bleed, not enough seed the next generations they're spirits aren't staining bc greedist burn them down leave no trace, they attempt to erase but the memory of their existence is presence, effervescence...

(I got distracted, I'll come back to this... maybe) 

Truth be told...had things panned out differently, I absolutely would have put a ring on her finger by now. I envisioned the look on her face, the gaze in her eyes when I'd have proposed. I envisioned our wedding day. I envisioned our first place together. I envisioned going to our room...to our bed. I envisioned waking up to her as often as I could. I envisioned holding her and falling asleep to her loud ass snores.

Ok.

I don't know why I am having these thoughts.

Obviously we're not together and have not been for a long time. I have definitely moved on.
Life is weird tho.

When you think you have an one up on your future, life shakes things up. That's ok.
Things have to get shaken up sometimes in order to blend separate parts together as one.
Our problem was...

I am water,
she is oil.

We weren't made to stay connected or become one.
Could we have lived in unison? Perhaps, but as our own entities.

You can't mix oil and water as hard, or as aggressively, as you try.
I learned that the difficult way but I am aware.

In the future, I want to be refreshed with oceans as vast as my imagination.
I want to think I'm drowning in someone's intention...in their soul.
I want them to allow my fluidity to absorb in their pores.
I want us to be able to blend without the necessity of being rocked into coercion.
I want us to have the option of being replenished from one another if depleted or simply desired.
I want us to have comfort in knowing that although we can cover more ground together, individually there's depth.

Hmm.

I want a tattoo. Ok, I want 5 tattoos. I'm ready for my hair to flourish and for my sides to grow back in. At the same time I kind of like my sides being low. I do not miss my hair tickling the fuck out of my ears. I miss having someone to cuddle with. I miss intimacy. I miss someone looking in my eyes and their eyes lighting up slightly simply because I was their view. I want more stamps in my passport. I want to have a baby. Yes, actually carry a baby in my little stomach and feel him/her/they kick. It's crazy thinking how different my reality in 2019 actually is vs what I had envisioned. I used to get upset or slightly down when I thought about my ex but now when she crosses my mind I smile and tell myself that, "Sometimes things end to make room for something better." The issue with that thinking of course is for the longest, I didn't want anyone else. I am content single but I would like to be loved on a deeper level. I'm more sensitive than I present. Sometimes I'm so in my thoughts and or feelings that I cannot share them with anyone. I kind of want that to change. It's a level of vulnerability that I cannot foresee allowing just anyone to witness however. There is this strange liquid substance wanting to escape my eyes. Yeah, a tattoo today would be nice I don't think it's going to happen. I should find an artist in this city. Debating whether I want to knock a few miles off of this load today or just crank them out in the wee hours to make my 0800 appointment. I do like driving but sometimes I crave more freedom. I need to hop on a few planes. My wanderlust seems insatiable. I definitely need to get outside today.

I've learned not to fall too quickly...I tend to fall deeply and when you fall deep you sometimes end up alone in the dark without a light.

Reminder

I'm not perfect, but my ass is...
I may lack emotional stability at the moment but maintain a few ounces of confidence,
I'm immaculate in theory but my thought process can be a touch flawed,
I do not always know where I am going but if I cannot walk continue to crawl,
I'm forever evolving, stagnancy is not an option at all,
Don't ever allow someone else to make you feel small,
As if you have no place in this world and your very existence is optional,
Your being is tall,
Your gaze leaves others in awe,
Your mystery others want to solve,
But you're not a puzzle so easily put together,
You're whole but have jagged edges and pieces protruding seams of others agendas,
Your very nature defies stereotypical birds of feather,
There's no flock for them to categorize your every endeavor,
Not enough treasure,
Not enough recognize your uniqueness,
Not enough vibrate on your frequency,
Not enough but enough for leniency,
It's truth you seek,
It's love,
It's passion,
It's understanding,
It's earth shattering,
It's uncompromising connection that you're forever indebting,
You want so much but you deserve it,
Don't ever think you're not worth it,
If your beauty is unrecognizable, unmask it
If they still don't see it's because they were never meant to attract it,
You are rare baby girl,
"You are the entire ocean in a drop,"
And though some may sit back and plot how they can swim in your presence,
The one or ones for you may already have their feet wet.