Bette. Porter.

Watching The L Word:Gen Q, like damn...the original is what made me realize I'm a lesbian. I remember being attracted to Bette like, "Am I lusting over a womannn, oh shit I am!" Craziness. What's crazier is I'm not sure when the gay would have hit me had the show not aired. I remember having strong feelings for Jennifer Beals' character and being totally confused bc in my city there were NO out girls who liked girls. Once I realized I was in fact a lesbian...random memories from my childhood came to mind. I remember thinking back to elementary schooo being intrigued with, lowkey enamored by, one of my female friends but it just never clicked until I begin watching the show. I'm incredibly appreciative of The L Word. By the actresses fully embodying their characters to portray such realness. I'm just, yeah...lost for words at the moment.

Someone really sat in my inbox for a few months, got silent...engaged then married. Like, wow. I'll never understand some people. And that, apparently is part of why things happen the way they happen. Everything isn't meant to be understood. I wasn't upset when I found out, I actually wasn't surprised, but damn. It reminded me that some people really don't give a shit about others or realize how manipulative they are. You're not growing if you continue to do the things you've always done. Because of them, it's a tad harder for me to let my guards down initially but... I'll never give up on something I believe in. I'll never not be open to loving someone because they may or may not hurt me... at the end of the day, they will. Hurt is inevitable but I no longer bruise.

Dream a little

Had a random dream the other day where I was scrolling through downelink(IYKYK) as my younger self. As I'm scrolling I got a notification that I had a message so I clicked my inbox to see who it was from. I don't remember the subject line but when I saw the sender(one of my exes) I deleted it without opening it. The second I hit delete I had a moment of euphoria. I don't remember what else happened in the dream but I woke up refreshed and refocused.

It's crazy how much our dreams reflect our deepest thoughts and are able to bring to life, well dream, the ease of what could be. What will be. Dreams are mini docuseries of thoughts. Dreams are like the culmination of thoughts manifested in a way that ties every detail together. Dreams are doorways into the mind. Lol ok, I'm going a little to the left. I just find it interesting how everything I've felt, everything I've kept to myself... every moment of anger, of rage, of losslessness, of betrayal, of confusion, of self doubt... everything melted away with one dream. 

I'm not falling in love anymore...your ass better grow in love with me. I want someone to actively choose me and allow me to do the same so our love is ever growing and not stuck in some fake facade without any depth behind it.