Sometimes I feel invisible, insignificant almost.

I just want to stop thinking about you. I will always love you but must you continue to occupy so much space in my mind. You're my first thought when I wake up. Little things remind me of you and I'm ready to be past this point. I just don't know when that will happen. I literally feel like I'm in mourning and it's annoying because you're very much alive. I'll get over the thought of us being together...I know you are not who I'm to spend more of my life with. I wanted to spend my life with you though. I choose you, I chose you...you gave up on us. I still don't know what to do with that but I have no choice but to live without you. Do you know how daunting that is? How earth shattering that is? Why do you have so much power over my emotions? It doesn't matter I'm regaining it. As each day passes, your not being in my life gets easier. It doesn't suck any less, but it gets easier. I'm re-reminding myself that I deserve someone who simply chooses me first. At the same time I know no one is entitled to anyone's anything and that, that is ok. Blah, my head's all over the place.

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living, it was here first, it owes you nothing."

I am the type of person where I need time to process things. I'm constantly in my head. I'm not big on sharing my thoughts so freely, or in the moment rather, bc my first reaction to a lot of things is blatant sarcasm and I know that can be off putting to some. I had a point when I started this blog and got distracted. I may come back to it.

I really just don't know how to feel right now. How do you go from telling someone that they are the best part of you to you can't commit to something that isn't tangible. How does that even make sense. Like, which is it? Or was it all a lie. I'll be glad when I'm able to fully move on and put all of these emotions, feelings of uncertainty, thoughts of inadequacy behind me. I'm really just confused. I feel like I'm in mourning and it's crazy bc you're definitely alive. All I can do is take each day as it comes and be present in it so that a year from now I'm not wondering what if. There's no room for what if bc I'm not a factor. I'm not an option. And that's ok. I shouldn't be anyone's what if. I'm worthy of a sure love. I'm worthy of someone just knowing I'm to be in their life. I'm worthy of someone not doubting our connection or the potential it has to grow. I'm worthy of being loved even when not understood. If that doesn't come, that's ok too. I'm more than enough on my own. I need to figure out my next steps so I'm not constantly looking back wondering which direction I came from ...find my footing. I thought I knew exactly where I was headed but that included another person. I don't know where I go from here just yet on my own. I know I can't stay here forever but at least I'm still standing and I'll continue to do that.

Love isn't an equation but...maybe it is.

Some shit will never make sense to me. I guess not everything is supposed to. Yet still, here I am... longing for answers to questions I've never asked. Questions I thought I knew the answers to already. Questions that had all the information provided but for whatever reason have no solution. They say "What's understood doesn't need to be explained," but clearly those people have never taken algebra bc if they had they'd know not every question has a solution. Not every solution is equatable. Perception, perception is the motherfucking linear equation riding logic's back and casually pushing all explanation to the shadows when sometimes the shit needs to get brought to the forefront so if a solution is plausible that can at least be determined. I sound crazy... love isn't an equation... self love perhaps. I'm done.