Always say what you mean and mean what you say. If your words or intention are misconstrued without an attempt for clarity...clarity was never the objective.

I just...

want to be better.

I want to feel ok.

I want to be loved.

I want to remember I am love.

I want someone to choose me.

I need to choose me.

I do choose me.

I need to stop feeling as if I'm unworthy of everything I want.

I need to stop telling myself "They don't care."

I need to stop allowing my mind to go negative in thought.

I need to remember I'm not perfect and that no one is and that that is ok.

I need to give myself grace when I'm unkind to myself.

I need to be kind to myself.

You don't have to fit into anyone's mold.

You cannot fit into anyone's mold.

There is no mold.

That's disillusion.

It's ok to not be ok.

No one owes you anything.

No one can make you feel better...only you can do that.

Stop looking outwardly for what you know can only be filled within.

You know this.

You know no one has to show you love.

You know no one has to ask "Are you ok?"

You know you aren't entitled to anyone showing you grace nor compassion.

You know you don't need them to.

You may want someone, some few, to but you know no one can fill your cup if you insist on cutting holes in the bottom.

There is no cup.

Put down the scissors.

Put down the weight of being something you're not.

No one told you to pick up the burden of someone else's thoughts. 

No one told you to pick up anyone's doubts of what you bring to the table.

There is no table.

You're so much more than a stationary object. 

You're so much more than what anyone thinks of you. 

"You are not a drop in an ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop."

You are so much more than what the physical can imagine.

Your soul by it's very definition is beauty.

You are beautiful.

Your soul is pure.

Your soul is fire.

"Seek only those who fan your flame."

You are what you seek. 

You are love.

You are kindness.

You are the air.

You are the wind.

You are every of everything.

You are understanding.

You are worthy.

You are grace. 

You are enchantment.

You are peace.

You are....you.

I love you.

In my thoughts...

You ever be so far in your thoughts that you give yourself a headache?! That is my life today. I'm highkey in my thoughts, lowkey in my feelings. Am I depressed?! Is this what depression feels like?! Some of the thoughts haven't been too kind. Maybe it's just "One of those days." I've lowkey been off since this morning and I don't like that. I know part of the reason but the other parts know better. So why do I do this to myself?! Why do I allow thoughts to fester and dig deep into the crevices of my mind knowing it'll be hard to pull them out in entirety and thus some may linger long after I think/thought they've dissipated. Why do I almost go into a rabbit hole questioning my self worth...not so much self worth...my purpose. Why am I here? Why do I feel the way that I do in this moment and why does it seem like no one is able to see that I'm in my thoughts and in my feelings and lowkey being unkind to self? Am I that unreadable or that unloved? I feel like my brain is trying to escape my skull. I keep clinching my jaws. I just wiped some tears from my eyes and I can't help but wonder why I feel alone right now. I'm not alone. I care about myself. I have family and friends that care about me. I do tend to distance myself and become short when I'm feeling a way though and I don't know...part of me feels like people should pick up on that but how could they. Why would they? Here's that unreadable vs unlovable bullshit ass debate my mind is trying to throw at me...again. I don't know. I think sometimes I just want someone to pick up on my energy and recognize that I'm not ok. Usually I am though. Perhaps that's part of why my sad days...my too embedded in my thought days...my Ash is a bit off days go unnoticed. I don't know. I think I need to start writing/blogging/getting my thoughts out more....I feel better. 

Bette. Porter.

Watching The L Word:Gen Q, like damn...the original is what made me realize I'm a lesbian. I remember being attracted to Bette like, "Am I lusting over a womannn, oh shit I am!" Craziness. What's crazier is I'm not sure when the gay would have hit me had the show not aired. I remember having strong feelings for Jennifer Beals' character and being totally confused bc in my city there were NO out girls who liked girls. Once I realized I was in fact a lesbian...random memories from my childhood came to mind. I remember thinking back to elementary schooo being intrigued with, lowkey enamored by, one of my female friends but it just never clicked until I begin watching the show. I'm incredibly appreciative of The L Word. By the actresses fully embodying their characters to portray such realness. I'm just, yeah...lost for words at the moment.

Someone really sat in my inbox for a few months, got silent...engaged then married. Like, wow. I'll never understand some people. And that, apparently is part of why things happen the way they happen. Everything isn't meant to be understood. I wasn't upset when I found out, I actually wasn't surprised, but damn. It reminded me that some people really don't give a shit about others or realize how manipulative they are. You're not growing if you continue to do the things you've always done. Because of them, it's a tad harder for me to let my guards down initially but... I'll never give up on something I believe in. I'll never not be open to loving someone because they may or may not hurt me... at the end of the day, they will. Hurt is inevitable but I no longer bruise.