Thursday, December 23, 2010
Ha
How can you question anything anyone does when you don't know them to notice a difference. People really are funny.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I can't keep up
with my thoughts at the moment for they have far passed me and I'm starting to forget how they were originated,
my memories are intact but my thoughts are trying to attack and while I should be moving forward this emptiness is pushing me back,
collapsed lungs without knowing it's hard to breathe she resides in my heart the unknown is causing palpitations...irregular beats,
SHE is on repeat,
I try not to worry and a "but" shouldn't follow but you try walking around representing a full package that's hollow,
how do you keep walking when what was beside you is currently invisible you look around and get dizzy trying to capture a visual,
Positive thinking is groggy yet it remains due to faith, I pray and have to know that He wouldn't dare take her away, that everything is ok,
overly analytical every hopeful inaction and possible grasped action has coursed through my mind, several times,
I try to pause but at the end it's rewound and I'm forced to hit play, 5 long days multiplied by my thoughts is just short of an eternity,
feeling like I'm in the dark and I'm sure this room is a maze, entitled 'Unconscious,'
yet I'm full of emotion...
[I originally posted this Dec 1st at 10pm]
my memories are intact but my thoughts are trying to attack and while I should be moving forward this emptiness is pushing me back,
collapsed lungs without knowing it's hard to breathe she resides in my heart the unknown is causing palpitations...irregular beats,
SHE is on repeat,
I try not to worry and a "but" shouldn't follow but you try walking around representing a full package that's hollow,
how do you keep walking when what was beside you is currently invisible you look around and get dizzy trying to capture a visual,
Positive thinking is groggy yet it remains due to faith, I pray and have to know that He wouldn't dare take her away, that everything is ok,
overly analytical every hopeful inaction and possible grasped action has coursed through my mind, several times,
I try to pause but at the end it's rewound and I'm forced to hit play, 5 long days multiplied by my thoughts is just short of an eternity,
feeling like I'm in the dark and I'm sure this room is a maze, entitled 'Unconscious,'
yet I'm full of emotion...
[I originally posted this Dec 1st at 10pm]
Untitled
Immaculate,
a feeling of faint witnessing her back bend,
ER's where I'll end if she makes my heart weak again,
she's damaging,
a stricken cobra wrapped around my lungs taking captive my oxygen,
I try to inhale again,
breath, let me breath,
don't take away my right to flex my chest,
once again I need sufficient breathes to feel whole,
don't try my life again,
she's poison,
posing positions well aware of the consequence,
pushing buttons,
testing limits to see how far I'll go,
what are your intentions,
If I travel do you plan to leave me deserted alongside a back road,
vessel less,
confused,
ready to use something as precious as my last breathe,
are you trying purposefully to interrupt my health,
make me notice you,
make me fall victim to your prey,
are you trying to make this a permanent fixture or straggle me on for a few days,
you prefer local roads but I prefer the highway,
it's me who has the most to lose,
the most value to be used,
lost or stolen,
yet still you make me faint,
I don't want a potential love to make me suicidal willingly being around someone capable to take my breathe away,
please go, don't stay,
I'm not ready for fate,
I want to live yet need to love,
are you willing to support my life?
resuscitate with warm embraces when you make it hard for me to breathe,
if not...leave.
[ 03/17/10 01:24 PM ]
a feeling of faint witnessing her back bend,
ER's where I'll end if she makes my heart weak again,
she's damaging,
a stricken cobra wrapped around my lungs taking captive my oxygen,
I try to inhale again,
breath, let me breath,
don't take away my right to flex my chest,
once again I need sufficient breathes to feel whole,
don't try my life again,
she's poison,
posing positions well aware of the consequence,
pushing buttons,
testing limits to see how far I'll go,
what are your intentions,
If I travel do you plan to leave me deserted alongside a back road,
vessel less,
confused,
ready to use something as precious as my last breathe,
are you trying purposefully to interrupt my health,
make me notice you,
make me fall victim to your prey,
are you trying to make this a permanent fixture or straggle me on for a few days,
you prefer local roads but I prefer the highway,
it's me who has the most to lose,
the most value to be used,
lost or stolen,
yet still you make me faint,
I don't want a potential love to make me suicidal willingly being around someone capable to take my breathe away,
please go, don't stay,
I'm not ready for fate,
I want to live yet need to love,
are you willing to support my life?
resuscitate with warm embraces when you make it hard for me to breathe,
if not...leave.
[ 03/17/10 01:24 PM ]
Freewrite...call it Honey
She's fine...but when I pop her cork, I don't taste wine, I taste a sweetening creme of honey, it's addicting, feeling kinda buzzy &I don't like to sting, I call her Queen Bee bc she's my pretty lil thing, she keeps an army around her, never does she have to lift a finger, they're fly or dies &she's just fly, when she swarmed my nest I felt somewhat high, sunk down to my my knees, caressed her prize, knowing it was mine, she couldn't deny, she barely knew her name, I barely knew she came, she continued to fill my belly with her sweetening creme...of honey, pleasure for me, for my never ending hunger, she keeps me satisfied &I make sure she never has to wonder, if what I'm feeling is being disbursed to multiples, I...reaffirm her convictions that I'm the one daily, sometimes I forget her name bc I only call her baby, she completes me, I know she's capable of stinging at any moment but she knows that's beneath me, beneath us, no need to let that ill fate determine us, never stepping back, we continually move forward, close to our dreams, closer to grasping everything others told us we wouldn't achieve, happiness, success, monogamy, I feel her in my bones, you could say she's my rib, bc of her, I can never commit to being a vegetarian, dayum, she's fine, our relationship you could say is like wine, it'll only get better with time, she's my Queen, I still can't believe she's mine &I still pinch myself on a regular to make sure this isn't a dream.
[03/17/10 03:18 AM]
[03/17/10 03:18 AM]
Ashley vs Princess
Ashley vs Princess
I can't believe this is happening,
stop now, it's not too late,
her skin on mine is wanted,
this is only the first date,
her lips are like chocolate,
yeah and where all have they been,
her touch is divine,
this have to be sin,
if she moans, there's no stopping me,
you must have control,
if she pulls my hair she wants to play,
fucking her wasn't the goal,
I can't resist the urge to bite her lips,
"can't" isn't in your vocabulary,
or to suck on her tongue,
she probably won't let me,
she just had to squeeze my side,
that doesn't mean a thing,
that gives me permission to touch hers,
why would you want to do such a thing,
or wherever else I desire,
this is not about me,
if I bite maybe that'll be fulfilling,
since when has it ever,
or caress her lower back,
why you getting so close,
or slide my hand up the center to her bra strap,
keep your hands where I can see them,
ah dayum, she isn't wearing one,
her breast don't need your support,
her nipples might be cold,
stop &look...wait! don't!,
my mouth's warmer than my hands,
didn't I say don't look!,
I should lay her down now,
she said "sit," not lay,
her ass fits perfectly in my hand,
stop being manish,
I should be more gentle,
no you should keep your hands to yourself!,
she brought my lips back to hers,
now take your hand out of her panties,
I can't believe how wet she is,
I repeat: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF HER PANTIES,
ah fuck, she's playing with my hair,
hand out of panties not take off her panties,
mmm...she tastes so sweet,
she did offer me desert,
cum here mami,
must you always use your hands,
her moans are sexy as hell,
hope her neighbors aren't home,
I hope my hair doesn't come out,
it'll grow back,
keep saying my name girl,
her accent is quite sexy,
breathe mami, breathe,
oh she's breathing alright,
dayum her thighs are tight,
I may not live past tonight,
her juices are overflowing,
you can stop drinking at any time,
she probably couldn't quench my thirst,
so put your tongue away, ask for a kiss good night,
she kissed my lips &whispered, "there'll be no sleeping tonight."
to be continued...
[10/31/09 12:49 PM]
I can't believe this is happening,
stop now, it's not too late,
her skin on mine is wanted,
this is only the first date,
her lips are like chocolate,
yeah and where all have they been,
her touch is divine,
this have to be sin,
if she moans, there's no stopping me,
you must have control,
if she pulls my hair she wants to play,
fucking her wasn't the goal,
I can't resist the urge to bite her lips,
"can't" isn't in your vocabulary,
or to suck on her tongue,
she probably won't let me,
she just had to squeeze my side,
that doesn't mean a thing,
that gives me permission to touch hers,
why would you want to do such a thing,
or wherever else I desire,
this is not about me,
if I bite maybe that'll be fulfilling,
since when has it ever,
or caress her lower back,
why you getting so close,
or slide my hand up the center to her bra strap,
keep your hands where I can see them,
ah dayum, she isn't wearing one,
her breast don't need your support,
her nipples might be cold,
stop &look...wait! don't!,
my mouth's warmer than my hands,
didn't I say don't look!,
I should lay her down now,
she said "sit," not lay,
her ass fits perfectly in my hand,
stop being manish,
I should be more gentle,
no you should keep your hands to yourself!,
she brought my lips back to hers,
now take your hand out of her panties,
I can't believe how wet she is,
I repeat: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF HER PANTIES,
ah fuck, she's playing with my hair,
hand out of panties not take off her panties,
mmm...she tastes so sweet,
she did offer me desert,
cum here mami,
must you always use your hands,
her moans are sexy as hell,
hope her neighbors aren't home,
I hope my hair doesn't come out,
it'll grow back,
keep saying my name girl,
her accent is quite sexy,
breathe mami, breathe,
oh she's breathing alright,
dayum her thighs are tight,
I may not live past tonight,
her juices are overflowing,
you can stop drinking at any time,
she probably couldn't quench my thirst,
so put your tongue away, ask for a kiss good night,
she kissed my lips &whispered, "there'll be no sleeping tonight."
to be continued...
[10/31/09 12:49 PM]
I Don't Want
I don't want nothing from you,
I may call you,
may text,
yet, at the end of the day.
I don't want nothing from you.
I may stop by your crib just to see how you live,
may write you a letter to explain how I feel,
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
I may be a good friend,
listen to everything that escapes your lips,
even if to most it seems unimportant,
especially,...at 3 o'clock in the morning,
listen simply because you said 'Ash please,'
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
I don't want nothing from you,
may need you on occasion,
may need you to be the reasoning behind my improved behavior,
may need to see you smile so mine returns,
may need you to be more than you want to be,
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
[09/28/09 02:10 PM]
I may call you,
may text,
yet, at the end of the day.
I don't want nothing from you.
I may stop by your crib just to see how you live,
may write you a letter to explain how I feel,
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
I may be a good friend,
listen to everything that escapes your lips,
even if to most it seems unimportant,
especially,...at 3 o'clock in the morning,
listen simply because you said 'Ash please,'
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
I don't want nothing from you,
may need you on occasion,
may need you to be the reasoning behind my improved behavior,
may need to see you smile so mine returns,
may need you to be more than you want to be,
yet, at the end of the day,
I don't want nothing from you.
[09/28/09 02:10 PM]
A Realization
I always want what i can't have &never realize what I have til it's no longer in my grasp...&&once in my grasp i forget to breathe &when i exhale they tell me indirectly to leave, they want to be free, they want security &&they're secure in themselves, they claim to not need me so i'm with a choice &&it's ironic when i think, they want truth love...I rather feel faint, don't want them to leave...
[9/23/09 01:57 PM]
[9/23/09 01:57 PM]
You're dead to me...
Deleted your number...
added you to thee auto reject list...
don't give a dayum about you bc to me you're already breathless...
you mean nothing to me...
i tried to give you a chance after a few...
but you being the selfish mufuka you are didn't know what to do...
i reasoned...
gave you opportunity when you definitely didn't deserve it...
but silly me to think maybe you'd matured a bit...
boy was i wrong...
you're even more of an idiot...
more of a coward i ever depicted...
more of a fucking loser &i amazed that you have the audacity to read of His scriptures...
I forgave you, the God in me allowed me to do so...
but now I'm leaving you where you are bc I'm telling me to do so...
not telling you goodbye you don't deserve such privilege...
&&I'll never wonder why you couldn't have been a man to begin with...
it obvious...you never knew what it took to be one...
&instead of giving this a twist of an ending, note it can never be none...
i'ma stop writing &just let the silence be one.
[08/06/09 11:57 AM]
added you to thee auto reject list...
don't give a dayum about you bc to me you're already breathless...
you mean nothing to me...
i tried to give you a chance after a few...
but you being the selfish mufuka you are didn't know what to do...
i reasoned...
gave you opportunity when you definitely didn't deserve it...
but silly me to think maybe you'd matured a bit...
boy was i wrong...
you're even more of an idiot...
more of a coward i ever depicted...
more of a fucking loser &i amazed that you have the audacity to read of His scriptures...
I forgave you, the God in me allowed me to do so...
but now I'm leaving you where you are bc I'm telling me to do so...
not telling you goodbye you don't deserve such privilege...
&&I'll never wonder why you couldn't have been a man to begin with...
it obvious...you never knew what it took to be one...
&instead of giving this a twist of an ending, note it can never be none...
i'ma stop writing &just let the silence be one.
[08/06/09 11:57 AM]
Untitled.|Poem|.
I keep my feelings in an unbreakable jar...but I don't remember where I put the lid,
so I'm open &vulnerable like a suicidal's slit wrist,
but my thoughts...far from his,
they're of envisionable bliss,
her lips on mine...our first kiss,
the sweat of my palm reveal nervous-ness,
I'm...swimming in my brain waves,
book open stuck on the same page,
&the title is Beautiful,
if you look up the definition, you'll see a depiction,
depiction of her eyes &feel it's distinction,
I'm...remembering the first time I heard her speak,
voice so melodic, hypnotic yet sweet,
I wanted to record stop rewind play repeat,
I was so unaware then of how beautiful you are,
your name should be Celestial bc your body is like a star,
I stare in amazement wondering if ever my wish'll come true,
or if ever I'll stand on my tippy toes to taste your clouds,
I...try to block my thoughts of you &forget how,
I try to deny my feelings but they have a mind of their own,
&I'm comfortable around you, it's like I'm at ease, at home.
&I'm trying to figure out why most of my thoughts you own,
I don't know,
I'm...swimming in my brain waves,
beside me is an inflated tube,
I hope you aren't afraid of the water,
I could never let anything happen to you,
step off the page, take my hand, have a seat...my thoughts are smooth,
&if you're willing|wanting to take this ride, I'll be your personal cruise.
[07/15/09 02:45 PM]
so I'm open &vulnerable like a suicidal's slit wrist,
but my thoughts...far from his,
they're of envisionable bliss,
her lips on mine...our first kiss,
the sweat of my palm reveal nervous-ness,
I'm...swimming in my brain waves,
book open stuck on the same page,
&the title is Beautiful,
if you look up the definition, you'll see a depiction,
depiction of her eyes &feel it's distinction,
I'm...remembering the first time I heard her speak,
voice so melodic, hypnotic yet sweet,
I wanted to record stop rewind play repeat,
I was so unaware then of how beautiful you are,
your name should be Celestial bc your body is like a star,
I stare in amazement wondering if ever my wish'll come true,
or if ever I'll stand on my tippy toes to taste your clouds,
I...try to block my thoughts of you &forget how,
I try to deny my feelings but they have a mind of their own,
&I'm comfortable around you, it's like I'm at ease, at home.
&I'm trying to figure out why most of my thoughts you own,
I don't know,
I'm...swimming in my brain waves,
beside me is an inflated tube,
I hope you aren't afraid of the water,
I could never let anything happen to you,
step off the page, take my hand, have a seat...my thoughts are smooth,
&if you're willing|wanting to take this ride, I'll be your personal cruise.
[07/15/09 02:45 PM]
Never Loved You
You're beautiful...
curvaceous...
intelligent...
reliant...
trustworthy...
humble...
sincere...
empathetic...
a good listener...
friendly...
kind.
Yet when it comes down to it...
I never loved you to begin with.
I loved what you had to offer,
or so I thought,
I came across your page,
across pixel beauty,
&saw a reflection of someone I want,
yet behind the scenes the obviousness of your illusions were clear,
I could smell the diluteness of your ingredients in the air,
Still I dove in thinking I'm being too analytical,
swam thru streams to get the reality of this reflection,
when I looked up I saw less than the subtle current suggested,
I looked into your eyes,
pierced into your soul,
&what I saw was not gold,
not silver not copper nor metal...just the lies you told,
not the diamond you portrayed yourself to be,
more like cubic zirconia,
idiotic so neurotic your name should end with phobia,
It's true I loved your page,
you're beautiful...
curvaceous...
intelligent...
reliant...
trustworthy...
humble...
a good listener...
empathetic...
friendly...
kind...
judgmental...
possibly mental...
controlling...
unstable...
dependent...
unrealistic...
I never loved you to begin with,
I loved what you depicted.
[07/01/09 09:06 PM]
curvaceous...
intelligent...
reliant...
trustworthy...
humble...
sincere...
empathetic...
a good listener...
friendly...
kind.
Yet when it comes down to it...
I never loved you to begin with.
I loved what you had to offer,
or so I thought,
I came across your page,
across pixel beauty,
&saw a reflection of someone I want,
yet behind the scenes the obviousness of your illusions were clear,
I could smell the diluteness of your ingredients in the air,
Still I dove in thinking I'm being too analytical,
swam thru streams to get the reality of this reflection,
when I looked up I saw less than the subtle current suggested,
I looked into your eyes,
pierced into your soul,
&what I saw was not gold,
not silver not copper nor metal...just the lies you told,
not the diamond you portrayed yourself to be,
more like cubic zirconia,
idiotic so neurotic your name should end with phobia,
It's true I loved your page,
you're beautiful...
curvaceous...
intelligent...
reliant...
trustworthy...
humble...
a good listener...
empathetic...
friendly...
kind...
judgmental...
possibly mental...
controlling...
unstable...
dependent...
unrealistic...
I never loved you to begin with,
I loved what you depicted.
[07/01/09 09:06 PM]
To:The Love of My Life...
Hi, I'm not sure if we've met,
not sure what you'd expect,
but I have no expectations,
with love I realize sometimes you act without hesitation,
&I'm ready for any destination,
why? bc as long as your near i'm complete,
don't have to worry about future battles, our love knows no defeat,
just promise me this...
when I'm sad, you'll hold me &let me know everything'll be ok,
when I'm mad, you'll kiss away my pain,
when I'm happy, you'll help me celebrate,
when I throw a border up, you'll climb over the wall,
I know I can be difficult, but my goods outweigh it all,
I promise you...you the love of my life,
I promise when we're ready I'll make you wife,
I promise to always be truthful,
I promise to try my hardest to keep you satisfied...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
any &everything you want, I promise you'll have,
may not be tomorrow but I promise eventually it'll be in your grasp,
I promise you my heart, my mind, my body &soul,
I promise to support you with all of your goals,
I promise you I will never cheat on you,
I promise to be loyal to you &only you,
to you...the future love of my life,
I'm not sure if we've met,
but I hope to be all you desire &more than what you expect.
[05/27/09 04:32 PM]
not sure what you'd expect,
but I have no expectations,
with love I realize sometimes you act without hesitation,
&I'm ready for any destination,
why? bc as long as your near i'm complete,
don't have to worry about future battles, our love knows no defeat,
just promise me this...
when I'm sad, you'll hold me &let me know everything'll be ok,
when I'm mad, you'll kiss away my pain,
when I'm happy, you'll help me celebrate,
when I throw a border up, you'll climb over the wall,
I know I can be difficult, but my goods outweigh it all,
I promise you...you the love of my life,
I promise when we're ready I'll make you wife,
I promise to always be truthful,
I promise to try my hardest to keep you satisfied...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
any &everything you want, I promise you'll have,
may not be tomorrow but I promise eventually it'll be in your grasp,
I promise you my heart, my mind, my body &soul,
I promise to support you with all of your goals,
I promise you I will never cheat on you,
I promise to be loyal to you &only you,
to you...the future love of my life,
I'm not sure if we've met,
but I hope to be all you desire &more than what you expect.
[05/27/09 04:32 PM]
Unclothed
You say I'm a stud bc I dress a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
you say I'm a fem bc I dance a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
label me now as I stand before you,
standing as if I'm 6feet tall,
piercing through your eyes as if you're the Berlin wall,
Fall.
as you crumble, take your thoughts of a label with you,
I cannot be defined,
why waste time trying to figure me out when you could opt to get to know me?
why attempt to categorize me as anything other than a lesbian?
isn't that what's most important?
I'm aggressive but submissive,
firm but fair,
unemotional but sensitive,
can have a mean bark, but prefer to purr,
you say I'm a stud bc I dress a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
you say I'm a fem bc I dance a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
I've even been called confused,
those who've attempted this definition, I am not amused,
bc I wear my jeans to my hips,
you think a hardness will escape my lips,
Wrong.
It's a different tone from what you may have expected,
so your thoughts of 'She's a stud' are now rejected,
dayum,...did you see the way she made her back bend?
'she must be a fem in stud clothing,' oh yes that's it,
Wrong.
I am a lesbian, you can call me queer,
don't think you have me figured out bc of what I wear,
I get tired of being asked but I answer anyways,
&I responde, "I'm a lesbian, how are you today?"
[05/25/09 02:54 PM]
you say I'm a fem bc I dance a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
label me now as I stand before you,
standing as if I'm 6feet tall,
piercing through your eyes as if you're the Berlin wall,
Fall.
as you crumble, take your thoughts of a label with you,
I cannot be defined,
why waste time trying to figure me out when you could opt to get to know me?
why attempt to categorize me as anything other than a lesbian?
isn't that what's most important?
I'm aggressive but submissive,
firm but fair,
unemotional but sensitive,
can have a mean bark, but prefer to purr,
you say I'm a stud bc I dress a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
you say I'm a fem bc I dance a certain way...well I stand before you naked, so now what?
I've even been called confused,
those who've attempted this definition, I am not amused,
bc I wear my jeans to my hips,
you think a hardness will escape my lips,
Wrong.
It's a different tone from what you may have expected,
so your thoughts of 'She's a stud' are now rejected,
dayum,...did you see the way she made her back bend?
'she must be a fem in stud clothing,' oh yes that's it,
Wrong.
I am a lesbian, you can call me queer,
don't think you have me figured out bc of what I wear,
I get tired of being asked but I answer anyways,
&I responde, "I'm a lesbian, how are you today?"
[05/25/09 02:54 PM]
I'm infatuated.
I'm infatuated but not sedated...
yeah we might have dated...
spent hours correlated...
body parts may have been exposed...
but to suppose there'd be limitations set forth, because you unearthed, your blessings given to you from birth,
was a bit unrealistic.
I'm infatuated but not sedated...
you see I'm free to walk to her or her because you &I have no relation...
there's no ship steering us to that envisionable bliss...
you said I'm attracted to you...
would love to fuck you...
&you're body is amazing so of course I became infatuated.
I'm infatuated but not sedated...
I entered upon infatuation...
you through the hopes of our one day dating...
I'm infatuated but not sedated.
I'm infatuated but not sedated.
Stop.
This will not continue...
I may have been wrong to make you speak in tongues...
have you gasping like you had smoke filled lungs...
but you knew from day one...
I fuck em make em cum...
then take my ass home...
Easily infatuated but your pussy isn't good enough for my sedition.
I'm infatuated not sedated.
If you wanted my heart should have kept your legs closed...
See I can fuck without emotion because I know the difference...
Sex is not love &if you thought it was refer to my previous blog...
Dry your tears, lesson learned no need to sob...
I'm infatuated not sedated.
I'm infatuated not sedated.
I'm infatuated.
[05/18/09 01:44 PM]
yeah we might have dated...
spent hours correlated...
body parts may have been exposed...
but to suppose there'd be limitations set forth, because you unearthed, your blessings given to you from birth,
was a bit unrealistic.
I'm infatuated but not sedated...
you see I'm free to walk to her or her because you &I have no relation...
there's no ship steering us to that envisionable bliss...
you said I'm attracted to you...
would love to fuck you...
&you're body is amazing so of course I became infatuated.
I'm infatuated but not sedated...
I entered upon infatuation...
you through the hopes of our one day dating...
I'm infatuated but not sedated.
I'm infatuated but not sedated.
Stop.
This will not continue...
I may have been wrong to make you speak in tongues...
have you gasping like you had smoke filled lungs...
but you knew from day one...
I fuck em make em cum...
then take my ass home...
Easily infatuated but your pussy isn't good enough for my sedition.
I'm infatuated not sedated.
If you wanted my heart should have kept your legs closed...
See I can fuck without emotion because I know the difference...
Sex is not love &if you thought it was refer to my previous blog...
Dry your tears, lesson learned no need to sob...
I'm infatuated not sedated.
I'm infatuated not sedated.
I'm infatuated.
[05/18/09 01:44 PM]
Relationships[2 parts combined]
I knew a long time ago that I never wanted to be the girl who was here &there or wishy washy as far as the love, the sex, the relationships, the friends with benefits thing, etc...I gave myself standards as far as whom I didn't want to become &I'd like to think I've done good at upholding most of those standards, though I will never claim to be perfect. I've made mistakes, "done my dirt" if you will, but I'd like to think &actually know that throughout everything...I've been true to myself in that I have no regrets in life. My character, despite my flaws is solid. I am loyal to death, like I've literally had people steal from me in one way or another or use me to their advantage not considering the possibility that how they did would affect me, they didn't care. Yet still, I've not been the one to close my door to someone. I've been called numerous words of slander or objects outside my name, some people think I didn't know bc I could still smile in their face or still treat them with respect...or even a person I almost gave my heart to was an offender of some of the mentioned crimes...&believe it or not I still love her. Call me what you will, but just because someone treats me a certain way &they say treat those how you would like to be treated,...I cannot be vindictive, hateful, inconsiderate or any other basic malicious word. Like that's just not me. I'm an Aries, moody comes with the territory, so I'm sure I've stepped on someones toes one way or another or rubbed someone the wrong way with my demeanor alone.
Let me get to the point of why I titled this blog "relationships"...I am done with relationships...not that I don't want the basic principles of a relationship bc I do...but I want more. I want\need a wife. And I've decided to stop wasting my time on any female that at least is not on that level. When I'm in a relationship,...I don't think for myself alone, I think "what's best for us." And with past relationships, whomever I was with maybe was kind of there but not fully. I am about 50\50.... And no I do not necessarily mean financially, I have absolutely no problem with taking care of my girl in that form. I mean mentally, spiritually, day to day activities or lack thereof, the things she may like to do that maybe would not have been a first pick for me &vis versa. 50\50. Do for me as I do for you; do for us as I do for us. Furthermore, I'm very nonchalant, I keep my thoughts, feelings, desires for the most part to myself. Not because I'm afraid to open up, I'm not, I just have this thing where I feel like not everyone is entitled access to certain areas\sides of me. I was engaged &when her &I were together,I didn't ever open up truly to her,she knows that ¬ exactly why we split,but who knows how things may have been had I. Once again I repeat, I have no regrets, all of my experiences have only made me a better woman in a vary of ways. She now one of my best friends.
I have a tendency to ramble, people who know me know this. So here's something else to jot down on your list...I am thru with relationships. Connect to me. Grow with me, into me. And i'll do the same.
[04/21/09 08:48 PM from mobile]
Let me get to the point of why I titled this blog "relationships"...I am done with relationships...not that I don't want the basic principles of a relationship bc I do...but I want more. I want\need a wife. And I've decided to stop wasting my time on any female that at least is not on that level. When I'm in a relationship,...I don't think for myself alone, I think "what's best for us." And with past relationships, whomever I was with maybe was kind of there but not fully. I am about 50\50.... And no I do not necessarily mean financially, I have absolutely no problem with taking care of my girl in that form. I mean mentally, spiritually, day to day activities or lack thereof, the things she may like to do that maybe would not have been a first pick for me &vis versa. 50\50. Do for me as I do for you; do for us as I do for us. Furthermore, I'm very nonchalant, I keep my thoughts, feelings, desires for the most part to myself. Not because I'm afraid to open up, I'm not, I just have this thing where I feel like not everyone is entitled access to certain areas\sides of me. I was engaged &when her &I were together,I didn't ever open up truly to her,she knows that ¬ exactly why we split,but who knows how things may have been had I. Once again I repeat, I have no regrets, all of my experiences have only made me a better woman in a vary of ways. She now one of my best friends.
I have a tendency to ramble, people who know me know this. So here's something else to jot down on your list...I am thru with relationships. Connect to me. Grow with me, into me. And i'll do the same.
[04/21/09 08:48 PM from mobile]
The Prototype
I'm not a stud, but I'll be one for you,
I like your style, your personality, you're beyond cute,
everything i know about you is beautiful,
you're the prototype,
I see no wrongs, everything feels right,
can't wait to have you in my sight,
want to get my life accelerated so I can make your life better than alright,
more than just a one night,
stand,
I one day want to be beside you with your palm in my hand,
maybe we can be each others woman,
hmmm, I think that'd be grand,
fuck mediocre this possibility needs no plan,
it's endless,
ridiculous,
I found a new muse,
I refuse,
to let societies priorities disrupt this fuse,
just let it burn,
this candle where the flames flicker in turns,
you're the wax that keeps me, the fire, up &burning,
you embody me you keep yearning,
I'm not a stud, but I'll be one for you,
&in return I just ask that you keep being you,
Mrs. Right,
above the hype,
no word can adequately describe you,
I like your style, your personality, you're beyond cute,
the prototype...could it be you?
[04/15/09 01:39 AM from mobile]
I like your style, your personality, you're beyond cute,
everything i know about you is beautiful,
you're the prototype,
I see no wrongs, everything feels right,
can't wait to have you in my sight,
want to get my life accelerated so I can make your life better than alright,
more than just a one night,
stand,
I one day want to be beside you with your palm in my hand,
maybe we can be each others woman,
hmmm, I think that'd be grand,
fuck mediocre this possibility needs no plan,
it's endless,
ridiculous,
I found a new muse,
I refuse,
to let societies priorities disrupt this fuse,
just let it burn,
this candle where the flames flicker in turns,
you're the wax that keeps me, the fire, up &burning,
you embody me you keep yearning,
I'm not a stud, but I'll be one for you,
&in return I just ask that you keep being you,
Mrs. Right,
above the hype,
no word can adequately describe you,
I like your style, your personality, you're beyond cute,
the prototype...could it be you?
[04/15/09 01:39 AM from mobile]
All I Have.
It's funny where life can take you &how at times it seems as if it's going so fast, when in reality, you've barely moved. People come, people go, people reemerge, people seem to vanish off the earth. I've always thought of myself to be a nice person, yet misunderstood or misconstrued at times. I'm not sure why, I refuse to think people could actually "hate" me. Today means nothing if you don't plan for tomorrow, yet why plan for the future if you're barely promised today. Yo no se. I've been rather contemplative lately &with reason. I have to get out of GA, it's unhealthy for me to remain in a place that can never be "home." I'm not exactly sure as to when i'm leaving or for that matter where i'm going, but it doesn't matter...at the end of the day...
{[I just felt like blogging. There's no real significance.]}
[03/31/09 06:48 PM]
Aspects of Sex. {freewrite}
I love sex. All aspects. I'm princess because that's my title. The physical, the emotional, the mental, the stimulation, the penetration, the concentration, the orgasmic revelation, the clitoris vibrating, from the strokes of the tongue causing percolation's, the touch, the feel, the caress, the breast, everything of a woman, i can unstress, through sex, let me fuck your mind, have you thinking I've inclined your spine, resting my head between your thighs, got you memorized, haven't even looked into your eyes, yet you see the intensity, the vigorous captivating possibilities through my smile, am i wild? you tell me, we all have opinions, vocalize your attraction if you want my attention, did i mention, I'm quite shy so if you want me act quick, while you wait I'm quickly losing interest, moving along to the next competitor in this never ending competition, who's quick to mention, the aspect of sex they may find appealing, you ain't dealing, with a child, no ma'am I'm full grown, I'm sure i can make you wet with an inclining in my tone.
[03/23/09 02:38 AM ]
[03/23/09 02:38 AM ]
a lil freestyle/freewrite
easily reflected, thru a mirror, yet the emotion lies undetected, they cannot be hacked, thous attempt would be hectic, leaves room for skeptic, fuck what you heard, princess is the best yet, in 100 degree weather, she's sweat less, think i give a dayum, your thoughts are point less, fuck stress, i worry about nothing even when power less, i looks to a higher power, so forever i remain blessed, I'm princess, dayum right, i deserve my crown, feel free to step to me if you think you can get it down, i don't clown, don't kid, fuck the jokes, with a pen i'm serious, got years backing me up, notebooks full to prove this, i intentionally leave room for error, cuz nothing's perfect, fuck what you heard BITCH, dayum right i'm putting emphasis, fuck ignorance, it isn't bliss, upgrade your mental, before you try to spizzle, if you can't use your mouth then we cannot get physi-cal, be sharp never dull,.....fuuuuuck!, this shit is getting old.
[[posted on my myspace blogs @12:09....03/17/2009]]
[[posted on my myspace blogs @12:09....03/17/2009]]
...Sex...Love...
I feel the need to speak on this for some reason. For those of you who do not read my poems yet wonder how I became The Princess of Sex. Basically it's like this &i shall quote a piece of a poem I wrote:
'If you don't understand the name,let me explain,
My mother's maiden name is Koenig,
that's German for king,
that's how princess comes about for my mother is a queen.
My father's a sex addict,i feel his addiction running thru my veins.'
I at one point was very much going into the direction of the man whom I despised for so long in my life.[When I found out about his addiction, it explained so much of how I am the way I am, or shall I say the person whom I was]. I've never been the female to easily convey emotion or to easily get attached and so I've broken hearts without knowing on more than one occasion &have never quite understood why whomever allowed their hearts to tare. I'm still at a standstill. Please do not confuse my adaptation of love with that of someone who cannot. That isn't the case, I simply have loved differently than most i've come in contact with &have since realized that before I wasn't able to interpret one's feelings of love towards me. Ignorance is bliss sad to say. I've since matured. Yet, with my evolution of sex &how women tend to interweave it with the emotions of love, I'm dumbfounded. It's not the same. Nor do I think one should confuse one with the more wrongly other.
Love has 9 parts/definitions.
1- a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties [maternal love for a child] (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests [love for his old schoolmates] b: an assurance of love [give her my love]
2- warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3-a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration [baseball was his first love] b (1): a beloved person
4-a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God
5- a god or personification of love
6-an amorous episode
7-the sexual embrace
8-a score of zero (as in tennis) &
9-capitalized Christian Science.
Yet, sex is only broken down into 3 parts, according to Webster, in which the third more relevant to this blog defines sex as:
-sexually motivated phenomena or behavior.
That only brings me back to the state of confusion in whence hearts have torn because of sex. Why? Some people are so in touch with their emotions that they forget that sometimes life really isn't that complicated. And they put their preconceived complications on something that should not go hand in hand with complication; love. Sex on the other hand, it's very complicated to most[those who think with their hearts], yet so simple to some[those who think with their "head"]. Why? The only preconceived thought about sex should be is it safe? The only preconceived thought about love should be am I ready? They do not go hand in hand. They're both actually two simply defined words that are often meshed together for what purpose is unbeknownst to me. I've rambled enough, thee end.
[03/13/09 03:19 AM]
'If you don't understand the name,let me explain,
My mother's maiden name is Koenig,
that's German for king,
that's how princess comes about for my mother is a queen.
My father's a sex addict,i feel his addiction running thru my veins.'
I at one point was very much going into the direction of the man whom I despised for so long in my life.[When I found out about his addiction, it explained so much of how I am the way I am, or shall I say the person whom I was]. I've never been the female to easily convey emotion or to easily get attached and so I've broken hearts without knowing on more than one occasion &have never quite understood why whomever allowed their hearts to tare. I'm still at a standstill. Please do not confuse my adaptation of love with that of someone who cannot. That isn't the case, I simply have loved differently than most i've come in contact with &have since realized that before I wasn't able to interpret one's feelings of love towards me. Ignorance is bliss sad to say. I've since matured. Yet, with my evolution of sex &how women tend to interweave it with the emotions of love, I'm dumbfounded. It's not the same. Nor do I think one should confuse one with the more wrongly other.
Love has 9 parts/definitions.
1- a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties [maternal love for a child] (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests [love for his old schoolmates] b: an assurance of love [give her my love]
2- warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3-a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration [baseball was his first love] b (1): a beloved person
4-a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God
5- a god or personification of love
6-an amorous episode
7-the sexual embrace
8-a score of zero (as in tennis) &
9-capitalized Christian Science.
Yet, sex is only broken down into 3 parts, according to Webster, in which the third more relevant to this blog defines sex as:
-sexually motivated phenomena or behavior.
That only brings me back to the state of confusion in whence hearts have torn because of sex. Why? Some people are so in touch with their emotions that they forget that sometimes life really isn't that complicated. And they put their preconceived complications on something that should not go hand in hand with complication; love. Sex on the other hand, it's very complicated to most[those who think with their hearts], yet so simple to some[those who think with their "head"]. Why? The only preconceived thought about sex should be is it safe? The only preconceived thought about love should be am I ready? They do not go hand in hand. They're both actually two simply defined words that are often meshed together for what purpose is unbeknownst to me. I've rambled enough, thee end.
[03/13/09 03:19 AM]
Monday, December 13, 2010
[no subject]
closed. unexposed. i remain unfold. don't want to let go of thoughts. don't want to be unclosed. pain feels heavy. tears won't shed. can't reveal too much emotion so away they stay hid. I'm easy to please. why can't you see. why must people continue to walk over me. is it b\c my hearts closed. you feel you can't innate my core. if you did a 3 minute exploration you'd realize there's a back door. I'm complex yet simple. i repeat I'm easy to please. be truthful, be sincere, be loyal to get close to me. realize that your closeness though apparent is transparent. i see your deceitful intentions. you may think you're playing me. I'm well aware of the game. you forget my emotions are concealed. therefore on the outside i quickly heal. i quickly move on. rarely ever do i skip a meal. forget what you've heard this right here is real. you want to know truth. ask the horse. don't listen across stream. everything isn't always how it seems. you think you know me. there's illusion in your eyes. use your mind. use your mind. =use your mind. don't waste my time. don't think if i recline your spine taste what's between your thighs that you'll have me mesmerized. I'm hard to tame. you see the mane. I'm ferocious with the tongue game. don't think b\c i look into your eyes that I'm looking into your soul. i may very well see you as my prey. princess is not a hoe. i just go with the flow. i can't fuck everybody. if i did they'd never go. i'm not cocky just saying what i know. I'm actually quite shy. those around me would claim to never know. you've seen enough of my thoughts. out of my mind you can go.
[this second part("=") was completely different, went to post &it got cut off, since it was off top, i had to re-write. ugh]
[02/22/09 10:41 PM from mobile]
[this second part("=") was completely different, went to post &it got cut off, since it was off top, i had to re-write. ugh]
[02/22/09 10:41 PM from mobile]
I wonder...(they say)
I wonder sometimes, if i died, would you cry sometimes, they say you never realize what you had til it's gone, but i wonder if He called me tomorrow, would your heart really mourn, I wonder, why I've lost so much and haven't shed a tear, i wonder if i'm stronger than i accept, or afraid to see what'd happen if my eyes were full of liquid fear, dayum, they say they say they say, i just sit and wonder who the fuck is they, they say they say they say they say, i wonder if they will ever show their face, they hide behind their masks, looking down upon others, ain't got shit else to do but let their mouth just wander, say something about this one and watch how the other sadly ponders, they say they say they say, the princess of sex is a hoe, i laugh cuz they don't even know what i drove a year ago, they say they say they say they say, what they will behind my face, just don't bring that shit to me cuz i don't have time for any drama to attempt to crowd my space, i wonder, do people realize how their words may affect the next, probably not cuz all they do is cock their neck, they say they say they say, whatev the fuck they want, go head cuz words'll never be the cause of my hurt, but i wonder, they say they say they say they say, if you commit suicide do you go to heaven or do your body just rot 6 feet under.
[01/03/09 01:02 PM from mobile]
[01/03/09 01:02 PM from mobile]
I woke up crying a stream
the tears fall slowly,
what in the hell is happening to me,
i feel lost,
feel like I've lost my way,
nothing makes sense anymore,
so why go on another day,
maybe it'll be a better world if I'm not fucking up in it,
maybe it's time for me to see those gates so i don't have to continue to put up with it,
i feel so alone,
and as i write this my eyes fill faster,
i shouldn't have these emotions,
i should be filled with laughter,
i haven't felt so low in years,
this is crazy,
i would go jump off of something,
but with my luck I'd survive,
it's not my time to die,
Lord please take these feelings of inadequacy away,
i don't want these thought to ruin my future today,
i wish i had someone to go to when i feel this way,
someone who when i talked, listened, then provided me comfort with their arms wide open,
I know I have God,
i meant a more physical someone,
but it's ok,
as long as I have Him,
i need no one,
the tears are stopping,
i feel His presence near,
i don't want these feelings again,
please keep me clear....
[12/18/08 08:20 AM from mobile ]
what in the hell is happening to me,
i feel lost,
feel like I've lost my way,
nothing makes sense anymore,
so why go on another day,
maybe it'll be a better world if I'm not fucking up in it,
maybe it's time for me to see those gates so i don't have to continue to put up with it,
i feel so alone,
and as i write this my eyes fill faster,
i shouldn't have these emotions,
i should be filled with laughter,
i haven't felt so low in years,
this is crazy,
i would go jump off of something,
but with my luck I'd survive,
it's not my time to die,
Lord please take these feelings of inadequacy away,
i don't want these thought to ruin my future today,
i wish i had someone to go to when i feel this way,
someone who when i talked, listened, then provided me comfort with their arms wide open,
I know I have God,
i meant a more physical someone,
but it's ok,
as long as I have Him,
i need no one,
the tears are stopping,
i feel His presence near,
i don't want these feelings again,
please keep me clear....
[12/18/08 08:20 AM from mobile ]
Forgotten poem
She makes me mad,
an expression I don't wear easily,
sometimes sad,
one too that doesn't come freely,
I wonder,
is she really the woman for me?
are we too different,too apart for a mutual balance to be,
I think I love her,
wouldn't mind one day being her daughter's mother,
with the sometimes bad comes good,
for the most part she keeps a smile on my face,
don't want to loose her,
but we must know each others pace,
must have communication,
there's no need to compete in the race of love without it cuz it's key,
she means a lot to me,
maybe too much,
cuz i'll admit,
I'ma bit,
of a sucker for love,
but don't think cuz i love,that easily I'll become a chump,
never that,
i may love but i easily cut people out of my life,
can easily do so despite the fact that i may have one day saw them as a potential wife,
I don't like drama,
don't do games,
just be as honest as possible,
I'm loyal as a muthafucker so respect me if I follow your lead,
please believe it's not an easy chair for me to take a seat,
I've learned from experience that always I have to do what's best for me,
I'm a natural nurturer,
by default That's I......
Though I started writing this randomly,I did have a point...a thought...but lost it,...hmmm...if it comes back,i'll finish this,otherwise it'll just be known as the forgotten poem.
[12/01/08 11:21 AM]
an expression I don't wear easily,
sometimes sad,
one too that doesn't come freely,
I wonder,
is she really the woman for me?
are we too different,too apart for a mutual balance to be,
I think I love her,
wouldn't mind one day being her daughter's mother,
with the sometimes bad comes good,
for the most part she keeps a smile on my face,
don't want to loose her,
but we must know each others pace,
must have communication,
there's no need to compete in the race of love without it cuz it's key,
she means a lot to me,
maybe too much,
cuz i'll admit,
I'ma bit,
of a sucker for love,
but don't think cuz i love,that easily I'll become a chump,
never that,
i may love but i easily cut people out of my life,
can easily do so despite the fact that i may have one day saw them as a potential wife,
I don't like drama,
don't do games,
just be as honest as possible,
I'm loyal as a muthafucker so respect me if I follow your lead,
please believe it's not an easy chair for me to take a seat,
I've learned from experience that always I have to do what's best for me,
I'm a natural nurturer,
by default That's I......
Though I started writing this randomly,I did have a point...a thought...but lost it,...hmmm...if it comes back,i'll finish this,otherwise it'll just be known as the forgotten poem.
[12/01/08 11:21 AM]
the rain inspired this...
The rain is my souls tears,b/c I can't physically shed tears, so I wonder why i'm here, in this state of the unclear, it's a facade, let me applaude the moist grounds, cuz I can't shed tears and I won't start now, the rain is coming down, but it's to cleanse my soul right now, been thru a lot but it's over right now, some good some alright but who cares right now, I'm proud, without a doubt, i allowed myself to feel, but over my head it brought a cloud. Skies are gray. Emotions easily released in the wetness of the air. Damn it's clear. I went looking for love in the wrong places, kept being distracted by beautiful faces, was living momentarily thru someone elses pace and, that's not for me, I don't care of others speed. There's no need to continue to speak. We all make mistakes,but dayum,I made too many this week. Or did I? I don't regret a thing, b/c I was told, 'you can't rush love ma' and that's the truth...but love isn't everything.
[10/17/08 12:20 PM]
[10/17/08 12:20 PM]
Will I ever find love...
I think I'm looking in the wrong places,
being distracted by beautiful faces,
I know better than the steps I've most recently taken,
had a lapse in judgment when i thought we could possibly be above it,
the past,the drama,but I know better,
it's over,it's done with,yet still I knew better,
Why did I think your beauty could make me change?
that the chemistry we had could have made me behave,
because I wanted it.
I thought you did too,but with the situation the way it was,
i knew better,
I knew time would tell,
That time could heal,
Yet still your gaze had me in a spell,
But dayum.I know better.
I feel bad though,
but mainly for myself because I know this'll take me back,
back to where I've been trying my hardest not to look back.
I'm the princess of sex.
If you don't understand the name,let me explain,
My mother's maiden name is Koenig,
that's German for king,
that's how princess comes about for my mother is a queen.
My father's a sex addict,i feel his addiction thru my veins.
I try to maintain.
When i'm with someone,i don't play games.
I'm real with how it is,yet my feelings or emotions are concealed.
I have this block around me so don't think you have an affect.
Maybe that's why I can't find love,
maybe i cover myself from everyone without even realizing the effect,
I don't want to be hurt.
I don't like pain.
I'm more sensitive than I let off but not many have seen me in such way.
I want love.
I'm tired of keeping all my emotions to myself,pen and paper,
Problem is,
I keep looking for love in the wrong places.
When opportunities arise,
I get distracted by beautiful faces,
I'm the princess of sex.
But don't judge me by my name,
it isn't my rise to fame,
it's part of who i am,
but I'm trying to change.
Don't want love to come around and I miss the opportunity....again.
[10/11/08 10:06 PM]
being distracted by beautiful faces,
I know better than the steps I've most recently taken,
had a lapse in judgment when i thought we could possibly be above it,
the past,the drama,but I know better,
it's over,it's done with,yet still I knew better,
Why did I think your beauty could make me change?
that the chemistry we had could have made me behave,
because I wanted it.
I thought you did too,but with the situation the way it was,
i knew better,
I knew time would tell,
That time could heal,
Yet still your gaze had me in a spell,
But dayum.I know better.
I feel bad though,
but mainly for myself because I know this'll take me back,
back to where I've been trying my hardest not to look back.
I'm the princess of sex.
If you don't understand the name,let me explain,
My mother's maiden name is Koenig,
that's German for king,
that's how princess comes about for my mother is a queen.
My father's a sex addict,i feel his addiction thru my veins.
I try to maintain.
When i'm with someone,i don't play games.
I'm real with how it is,yet my feelings or emotions are concealed.
I have this block around me so don't think you have an affect.
Maybe that's why I can't find love,
maybe i cover myself from everyone without even realizing the effect,
I don't want to be hurt.
I don't like pain.
I'm more sensitive than I let off but not many have seen me in such way.
I want love.
I'm tired of keeping all my emotions to myself,pen and paper,
Problem is,
I keep looking for love in the wrong places.
When opportunities arise,
I get distracted by beautiful faces,
I'm the princess of sex.
But don't judge me by my name,
it isn't my rise to fame,
it's part of who i am,
but I'm trying to change.
Don't want love to come around and I miss the opportunity....again.
[10/11/08 10:06 PM]
Silent Phone
I feel alone,
Sometimes I wonder why I even own a phone,
I pick it up but all I hear is the dial tone,
no voice comes thru to knock the sorrow out my pitch,
hour by hour I'm thinking,'life's acting a bitch'
I feel darkness,
Not sure why when on the wall I see a switch,
But when I try to get up and reach it it's like i'm stumbling thru quick sand and my legs begin to itch,
So stuck I feel as life passes me by like a car over a ditch,
If I move,my skin'll be ripped,
I know life is hard,
But is it really as complex as this?
Contemplatively I wait,
til someone help me escape,
So deep in my element I begin to pray,
'Can You hear me?
I know You can,
I apologize for my tone,
But I've been placing calls for so long,'
When will You bring her to me?
When will I be free?
I know there's a reason for everything,but why am I so deep?
Please lift my feet,
Allow me to walk again,allow me to be able to reach any speed,
Allow my hand to flip on this switch because I need to see,
I don't have 99 problems,but a 'bitch' is one.
I have issues that occur but love isn't one.
I want LOVE.
Don't want to continue to seek,
want to wake up near thee.
Help me please.
Am I undeserving,caused too many minds to be unnerving?
I know I've made mistakes,but please don't place my heart in an oven.
I know it uneasily opens but it's not one for the burning.
So what choice do I have other to attempt patience for my soul?
Believe it or not,I view love as the ultimate goal.
And I'm committed.
When she's presented
I'll treat her right,
I'll open myself up to her morning,day noon and night,
Be all that I can to her,
fulfill her every need.
I'll do it physically,sexually,mentally and last but not least,emotionally.
I'll take care of her mind,
relax her spine,occasionally relax my head on her thigh.
I'll caress her body,
massage her back,
make love to her brain.
Be her number 1 cheerleader if she's playing a game.
Hopefully she'll provide the same.
Because when she comes I plan to love her in every way.
One
[10/01/08 09:52 PM]
Sometimes I wonder why I even own a phone,
I pick it up but all I hear is the dial tone,
no voice comes thru to knock the sorrow out my pitch,
hour by hour I'm thinking,'life's acting a bitch'
I feel darkness,
Not sure why when on the wall I see a switch,
But when I try to get up and reach it it's like i'm stumbling thru quick sand and my legs begin to itch,
So stuck I feel as life passes me by like a car over a ditch,
If I move,my skin'll be ripped,
I know life is hard,
But is it really as complex as this?
Contemplatively I wait,
til someone help me escape,
So deep in my element I begin to pray,
'Can You hear me?
I know You can,
I apologize for my tone,
But I've been placing calls for so long,'
When will You bring her to me?
When will I be free?
I know there's a reason for everything,but why am I so deep?
Please lift my feet,
Allow me to walk again,allow me to be able to reach any speed,
Allow my hand to flip on this switch because I need to see,
I don't have 99 problems,but a 'bitch' is one.
I have issues that occur but love isn't one.
I want LOVE.
Don't want to continue to seek,
want to wake up near thee.
Help me please.
Am I undeserving,caused too many minds to be unnerving?
I know I've made mistakes,but please don't place my heart in an oven.
I know it uneasily opens but it's not one for the burning.
So what choice do I have other to attempt patience for my soul?
Believe it or not,I view love as the ultimate goal.
And I'm committed.
When she's presented
I'll treat her right,
I'll open myself up to her morning,day noon and night,
Be all that I can to her,
fulfill her every need.
I'll do it physically,sexually,mentally and last but not least,emotionally.
I'll take care of her mind,
relax her spine,occasionally relax my head on her thigh.
I'll caress her body,
massage her back,
make love to her brain.
Be her number 1 cheerleader if she's playing a game.
Hopefully she'll provide the same.
Because when she comes I plan to love her in every way.
One
[10/01/08 09:52 PM]
Unconscious Dwell
My brain waves flow like a tadpole in a stream,
My sleep is constantly disturbed by a vividly melancholy dream,
I have to wake up to detour my death,
My heart starts to beat fast,my lungs lose breathe,
I,can't fathom what I've just partaken,
So I jump up fast when first awaken,
Damn!
Can my heart start to flutter?
Can I please return to my state of unconsciousness with my space uncluttered?
I have been walking around on ''E''
48 hours gone slowly with no sleep,
Where has the time gone?
Is this a delude of imagination,
Where has the time gone?
Can I recreate my surpassed hallucinations?
Why is it that I cannot easily lie down and fall asleep?
Go hours upon end without the comforts of subconscious dreams,
Damn!
Is there something going on in my mind,
Am I too caught up in reality to have peace at times?
I want to love 1 that is sublime,
Not dish out partial affection to multiple dimes,
Where in that is the ultimate prize?
Damn!
Sometimes I cannot think straight,
I try to lie down but cannot put my mind on hibernate,
So i'm stuck with thoughts flowing heavily,
I try to write them all down but when I begin my mind feels weak,
Just stuck am I,
No sleep, full of thoughts, yet uneasily disbursed thru pen,
My brain waves flow like a tadpole in a stream,
I want to go to sleep to escape the harshness of reality.
[08/07/08 05:13 AM]
My sleep is constantly disturbed by a vividly melancholy dream,
I have to wake up to detour my death,
My heart starts to beat fast,my lungs lose breathe,
I,can't fathom what I've just partaken,
So I jump up fast when first awaken,
Damn!
Can my heart start to flutter?
Can I please return to my state of unconsciousness with my space uncluttered?
I have been walking around on ''E''
48 hours gone slowly with no sleep,
Where has the time gone?
Is this a delude of imagination,
Where has the time gone?
Can I recreate my surpassed hallucinations?
Why is it that I cannot easily lie down and fall asleep?
Go hours upon end without the comforts of subconscious dreams,
Damn!
Is there something going on in my mind,
Am I too caught up in reality to have peace at times?
I want to love 1 that is sublime,
Not dish out partial affection to multiple dimes,
Where in that is the ultimate prize?
Damn!
Sometimes I cannot think straight,
I try to lie down but cannot put my mind on hibernate,
So i'm stuck with thoughts flowing heavily,
I try to write them all down but when I begin my mind feels weak,
Just stuck am I,
No sleep, full of thoughts, yet uneasily disbursed thru pen,
My brain waves flow like a tadpole in a stream,
I want to go to sleep to escape the harshness of reality.
[08/07/08 05:13 AM]
How can I...
Explain to you that I need you in my life without becoming so overbearing?
How can I...
make it seem real that I love you and my feelings will not fade?
How can I...
give you self-assurance that I will not hurt you?
How can I...
Be what you need me to be successfully?
How can I...
prove that I want to spend the rest of my life with you?
How can I...
I can love you better than I have in the past.
I can love you better than you think I can.
I can let people whom you feel will interfere go easily.
I will not fail.
I want you in my life,
I love you,
will you be my wife?
Do not answer now,
I don't want an answer of uncertainty,
Don't make me wait long,
I have no patience,
I'm not going anywhere,
but patience is not something I was blessed with.
I want to love you like I have no one else because I feel for no one the same way I feel for you.
You complete me,
I just want to be what you want me to be....
How can I?
[7/19/08 04:37 PM]
How can I...
make it seem real that I love you and my feelings will not fade?
How can I...
give you self-assurance that I will not hurt you?
How can I...
Be what you need me to be successfully?
How can I...
prove that I want to spend the rest of my life with you?
How can I...
I can love you better than I have in the past.
I can love you better than you think I can.
I can let people whom you feel will interfere go easily.
I will not fail.
I want you in my life,
I love you,
will you be my wife?
Do not answer now,
I don't want an answer of uncertainty,
Don't make me wait long,
I have no patience,
I'm not going anywhere,
but patience is not something I was blessed with.
I want to love you like I have no one else because I feel for no one the same way I feel for you.
You complete me,
I just want to be what you want me to be....
How can I?
[7/19/08 04:37 PM]
I always want what I can't have
Shit’s thrown at me daily,
But I don’t want it til it’s maybe,
Maybe we could chill,
Maybe leave it where it’s at,
Either way it’s all gravy,
But fuck the maybes,
I always want what I can’t have,
Even though once offered,
When I want it,
It’s taken back,
Hmmm,
What the fuck is wrong with that picture?
Is it me, or does the image delude much quicker,
I’m always the one questioning where the fuck I went wrong,
That’s why I don’t open up easily,
Cuz my brain and heart take different turns,
One goes left, one goes straight,
Neither seems to go right,
My vision of the situation is never seen in daylight,
So it’s doomed at first sight,
Cuz it was never clear,
So now I must fathom driving in open air,
No traffic, no music, nothing other than my heart beat,
Can creep my earlobes cuz I need to hear myself think,
About why,
I always want what I can’t have,
Guess my sister was right,
I am a spoiled brat,
Dayum!
Never thought I’d admit to all that,
But admitting the issues' the first step,
There's no looking back.
[ 12/10/07 01:00 PM ]
But I don’t want it til it’s maybe,
Maybe we could chill,
Maybe leave it where it’s at,
Either way it’s all gravy,
But fuck the maybes,
I always want what I can’t have,
Even though once offered,
When I want it,
It’s taken back,
Hmmm,
What the fuck is wrong with that picture?
Is it me, or does the image delude much quicker,
I’m always the one questioning where the fuck I went wrong,
That’s why I don’t open up easily,
Cuz my brain and heart take different turns,
One goes left, one goes straight,
Neither seems to go right,
My vision of the situation is never seen in daylight,
So it’s doomed at first sight,
Cuz it was never clear,
So now I must fathom driving in open air,
No traffic, no music, nothing other than my heart beat,
Can creep my earlobes cuz I need to hear myself think,
About why,
I always want what I can’t have,
Guess my sister was right,
I am a spoiled brat,
Dayum!
Never thought I’d admit to all that,
But admitting the issues' the first step,
There's no looking back.
[ 12/10/07 01:00 PM ]
Someone
So i'm sitting here in bed,
thinking to myself,
letting my thoughts flow from my fingertips,
who am i you wonder,
i'm here to answer that question,
i am someone you can call a friend,
but you don't call me enough,
i am someone you can call trustful,
but you don't open up to me like you want to,
i am someone you can call,
if you dial the right number,
i am this person of many beliefs,
but only trust one God,
i am this person of secrets,
do you truly wish to delve underneath?
this mask i wear,
this transparent skin,
do you want to know the real me,
or just a fraction of what you see,
i am someone to myself,
though at times i forget this,
i am someone to behold,
because beauty comes in all forms,
i am not what you expect,
don't foreclose me in your wants,
i am a force to be reckoned with,
don't stand in my way,
i may be small,
but i come with a lot of height,
i may appear weak,
but i come with a lot of strength,
i am anything you want me to be,
but know this,
i am...........somebody.
[ 07/02/07 12:05 PM]
thinking to myself,
letting my thoughts flow from my fingertips,
who am i you wonder,
i'm here to answer that question,
i am someone you can call a friend,
but you don't call me enough,
i am someone you can call trustful,
but you don't open up to me like you want to,
i am someone you can call,
if you dial the right number,
i am this person of many beliefs,
but only trust one God,
i am this person of secrets,
do you truly wish to delve underneath?
this mask i wear,
this transparent skin,
do you want to know the real me,
or just a fraction of what you see,
i am someone to myself,
though at times i forget this,
i am someone to behold,
because beauty comes in all forms,
i am not what you expect,
don't foreclose me in your wants,
i am a force to be reckoned with,
don't stand in my way,
i may be small,
but i come with a lot of height,
i may appear weak,
but i come with a lot of strength,
i am anything you want me to be,
but know this,
i am...........somebody.
[ 07/02/07 12:05 PM]
I(a poem)(written 09/21/06 @ 12:24am-12:42)
I,....the word not letter, am someone you don't come across too often,
I,...am of a different breed, whether in flight or being mystified in the deep blue ocean,
I,...have many talents unknown,
I walk with a different crowd, talk with a different tone,
I,...attract the unpierced, elude from the unwritten, hide from the unreal,
I,...only let a few people in, only bless a few with my thoughts, rarely do they see the written words of my pen,
I,...am strong, yet weak, I listen when spoken to, say what I need in order to breathe,
I,...can come across as stubborn, I know what I am, either hate it or love it,
I,...am a total Aries, I butt heads, I know when to compromise, know when to keep my opinions unsaid,
I,...am a woman, love women, they inside me evoke passion,
I,...am true to myself, to others, I have nothing to hide,
I,...love hard, love easily, but won't forsake my pride,
I,...am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend, I am a "lesbian,"
I,...the word not letter, don't need YOU to define me, because I am all that matters.
I,...am of a different breed, whether in flight or being mystified in the deep blue ocean,
I,...have many talents unknown,
I walk with a different crowd, talk with a different tone,
I,...attract the unpierced, elude from the unwritten, hide from the unreal,
I,...only let a few people in, only bless a few with my thoughts, rarely do they see the written words of my pen,
I,...am strong, yet weak, I listen when spoken to, say what I need in order to breathe,
I,...can come across as stubborn, I know what I am, either hate it or love it,
I,...am a total Aries, I butt heads, I know when to compromise, know when to keep my opinions unsaid,
I,...am a woman, love women, they inside me evoke passion,
I,...am true to myself, to others, I have nothing to hide,
I,...love hard, love easily, but won't forsake my pride,
I,...am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend, I am a "lesbian,"
I,...the word not letter, don't need YOU to define me, because I am all that matters.
Thoughts
Laying in bed, the tv's silent,
the room is full of thoughts,
there is no sound, some light, but most of all quiet,
just a room full of thoughts,
my thoughts,
some good, some naughty, but mostly of the unknown,
some questioning, some answering, some hmmmming my songs,
shhh just listen,
listen close, closely with your eyes,
don't blink, just glance in mine,
can you hear me?
do you think that I can hear you?,
enticing isn't it?, just imagining my personal thoughts of you,
can you feel it?,
can you feel my eyes upon your skin?,
do you wonder if they're searching through the inside or just admiring you?,
do you want it?,
my attention,
do you want my focus to be on you?
can you handle it?,
this connection goes beyond words,
it's so real,
you can't hide a look in your eyes,
you can't hide emotion, you can conceal your tears, but one sheds,
you think it is joy or sorrow?,
you look away but i'm locked,
my eyes can't get off you,
can you hear me?,
I can hear you! Look into my eyes,
can you feel this?,
this connection beyond words,
the room is quiet,
there's some light, no sound, but it's full of my thoughts,
some good, some naughty, but mostly of the one I love.
[05/04/06 11:06 AM]
the room is full of thoughts,
there is no sound, some light, but most of all quiet,
just a room full of thoughts,
my thoughts,
some good, some naughty, but mostly of the unknown,
some questioning, some answering, some hmmmming my songs,
shhh just listen,
listen close, closely with your eyes,
don't blink, just glance in mine,
can you hear me?
do you think that I can hear you?,
enticing isn't it?, just imagining my personal thoughts of you,
can you feel it?,
can you feel my eyes upon your skin?,
do you wonder if they're searching through the inside or just admiring you?,
do you want it?,
my attention,
do you want my focus to be on you?
can you handle it?,
this connection goes beyond words,
it's so real,
you can't hide a look in your eyes,
you can't hide emotion, you can conceal your tears, but one sheds,
you think it is joy or sorrow?,
you look away but i'm locked,
my eyes can't get off you,
can you hear me?,
I can hear you! Look into my eyes,
can you feel this?,
this connection beyond words,
the room is quiet,
there's some light, no sound, but it's full of my thoughts,
some good, some naughty, but mostly of the one I love.
[05/04/06 11:06 AM]
Monday, November 22, 2010
Bio
| You can think of me as a painting unfinished with a few strokes of color on a canvas...and you have two choices...admire the art as it's drawn or add some depth of your own. |
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Prayer...
My QOTD(Question Of The Day) for today was "How often do you pray?" Mostly everyone said, "not enough" or "not as often as I should." So I'm curious, how often is enough? I pray most times[I can't say nights because of 'irregular' sleeping patterns] before I fall asleep, maybe 75% before I eat and say quite a few small ones throughout the day either aloud or in my thoughts.
Also, what happens if you don't pray? I feel as though a lot of times people don't realize that the thoughts they have and/or concerns they voice or feel is a form of prayer, or so in my opinion it is. But, what happens when you don't intend to pray? Does that make one an atheist or maybe illustrate some other belief? I don't know.
Also, what happens if you don't pray? I feel as though a lot of times people don't realize that the thoughts they have and/or concerns they voice or feel is a form of prayer, or so in my opinion it is. But, what happens when you don't intend to pray? Does that make one an atheist or maybe illustrate some other belief? I don't know.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Untitled
I wrote this almost 5 years ago when I was in the process of "finding myself" so to speak.
Sitting in this room, not wanting to relocate,
Thinking of a plan, demise, to stay place,
Wanting to explore, but don’t know how to travel,
Trying to find my being, but unaware if it’s a phase or something I need to unravel,
Thinking to myself the ultimate thesis for my self and,
Wondering if I am straight, bi, or 100% lesbian,
Don’t have the time to figure it out, so I guess I’m stuck in time,
Want to be true to myself, but without others asking why?
So I sit quietly in a chair, logging my thoughts,
Remembering past fantasies, dreams, desires, and wants,
Trying to estimate the exact time my feelings showed change,
But confused of the thought because I don’t remember when,
I just know that a while ago I felt something for her within,
Sitting in this room, not wanting to relocate,
Thinking of a plan, demise, to stay place,
Wondering why I think the way I do, is it reality or imagination,
Do I really want a taste, crave her waist, does this have expiration,
Don’t want to waste time thinking, but I know without thought I’m confused,
Trying to estimate the exact time my feelings showed change,
Unaware if it’s my natural state or just some temporary phase,
I don’t want to question my thoughts but what choice do I have,
Don’t want to bend around my wants because I crave her lust,
Don’t want to one day question why I never gave into her,
Don’t want to question one day did I settle with him because I didn’t know how to open myself to her,
Sitting in this room, not wanting to relocate,
Thinking of a plan, demise, to stay place,
Wanting to explore, but don’t know how to travel,
I want to know if me being with her is something I need to fathom,
I need to know if I am straight, bi, or 100% lesbian,
But don’t really need a definition,
I need to know that if I’m not with her pieces of my life won’t seem missing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Just typing...
First off, I'm soooo missing my bae...wake uppp, jk...sleep baby.
I was trying to recall the age of which my sleeping patterns started to just...go astray from the "norm." I don't quite remember, I'm thinking my freshman or sophomore year of high school. I definitely remember not sleeping until about 2 or 3 am and having to be up around 7am. I didn't take naps, but wasn't ever "tired." Actually I've pretty much always have been quite the energetic or hyper little thing that is me. I've even gone days without sleeping and have worked full shifts just fine. Hmm...the longest I've been awake is approx 76 hours which is just over 3 days straight. I've gone 2-3 days with no sleep a few times. I've also gone 5 days with about 10 hours of sleep. Sound crazy? -shrugs* This is normal to me.
I like so love the song currently playing on my page[Kings Of Leon-Closer]...
I was trying to recall the age of which my sleeping patterns started to just...go astray from the "norm." I don't quite remember, I'm thinking my freshman or sophomore year of high school. I definitely remember not sleeping until about 2 or 3 am and having to be up around 7am. I didn't take naps, but wasn't ever "tired." Actually I've pretty much always have been quite the energetic or hyper little thing that is me. I've even gone days without sleeping and have worked full shifts just fine. Hmm...the longest I've been awake is approx 76 hours which is just over 3 days straight. I've gone 2-3 days with no sleep a few times. I've also gone 5 days with about 10 hours of sleep. Sound crazy? -shrugs* This is normal to me.
I like so love the song currently playing on my page[Kings Of Leon-Closer]...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I strongly dislike 'clothes'...
I understand that some parts of the human flesh should not be visible by all of humankind, yet at the same time, why the hell not. If people weren't so "put together" by the thoughts of someone else, perhaps, just perhaps clothing wouldn't be as big of an issue as it is. It's not necessary that I don't like clothes, I dislike the fact that people tend to judge another by their clothing. How dare we as a society look down on, turn our nose upon, or completely look past one based on their outer appearance. Imagine if people weren't so focused on what they had to wear in order to "fit in" or whatever other reason set in their mind along the way for a particular piece of clothing to have made it into their closets. How less constricting would our lives be if we could shower|bath, brush or not brush our hair that we may or may not have and just live. Women and men[but mostly women] would less likely be looked at as sexual objects. Respect may be firmer engraved in peoples minds. Sexual misconduct or harassment maybe wouldn't exist. I can think of vast differences and improvements stemming from the release of clothing constriction. Maybe I'm crazy, or am alone in my thoughts or outlook. -shrugs*
6.21.10
Some people take shit for granted far too often. A lot of times people don't realized how blessed they are because they aren't "where they want to be" forgetting that they are EXACTLY where they are meant to be. "Everything happens for a reason." It's such a simple yet complex statement that holds such truth that it's unbearable to acknowledge during hardships. Some people question their faith, purpose, family, friends but when words are thrown at them, they don't want to hear it. And that's cool...the hardest lessons are learned thru silence in my opinion.
[I posted this in my FB notes on 6.21.10, but wanted to put it here.]
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